Weblog

Sunday, 27 June 2010

  • ramblings

    Pain. That's what I feel right now. Just need to hear your voice. to know that it's all going to be ok. To be in your arms again. I'm struggling right now. But I can't tell you that. not yet anyway. Not til I get the all clear. I keep checking my phone to make sure I haven't missed anything. Jump every time I get a text hoping its you. idk how to explain how I feel. Just need to hear you, see you. to know its all ok

  • lost

    I love you hun. All this drama is taking its toll. I can't eat. I can't sleep. Sick. Tired. Just need to talk to you. You know what this place does to me. Will the flood behind me put out the fire inside me? When the flood come, you can swim, but when you can't swim anymore you either swim for shore, drown or someone rescues you. Well I can't see the shore, so where are you to rescue me? need you now. Want to be back with you. I will be so glad when this week, this hell week, is over. Getting closer. Counting down the days. I love you so much. I'm so lucky to have you in my life. You treat me so well. thank you for being the man by my side. my shoulder to cry on. i love you ... i miss you... i need you...
    i keep checking my phone. waiting. hoping you'll give me the all clear. every time i get a text i get all excited thinking its from you. you don't know how much you mean to me. I love you SO much! there are not words to express it.
    the old ways taunt. I wore something sleeveless last night and i see the scars. and want to cry. I won't put myself through that again. I need to find a way to deal. this week has been hell week. the only other time i've felt this way was christmas. i relapsed then. so far i am keeping my head above water. rescue me. the waves keep getting bigger.
    This hell hole is a trigger for me. you know that. There's nothing for me here. just need you now.

Sunday, 17 January 2010

  • frustration

    You have succeeded in
    Destroying my life
    Once again.
    Every fiber of my being
    Cannot stand the thought of you.
    To have something so wonderful.
    A future so bright.
    Then you had to keep your old ways.
    The wretched selfishness
    You find so "helpful"
    Is only hurting the ones you say
    You don't want to get hurt.
    Mindless.
    To have thought that at one point you were
    My night in shining armor.
    You've proven yourself nothing more than
    Selfish,
    Unfaithful,
    Thick- headed.
    A liar,
    Con man,
    Player.
    If i never see you again it will be too soon.


    Mr. wonderful... You are the reason i get up each morning. the reason i strive to be a better person. The reason i want a better life than this i'm in. To be iwth you. I am truely sorry. Sorry i married the biggest jerk i think i could've possibly found. Sorry he wont let you see the the kids i know you love and adore. that love and adore you. I hate the feeling of not knowing. of wondering if i can continue to call me yours. I want to go to sleep and to wake up in your arms. To be with you and know that we are ok. I'm scared. and for the first time in a year i feel lone. so terrified. my heart hurts. Of if i can find a way  for yu guys to see eachother again. i can't staand the pain.



Friday, 15 January 2010

  • Grrrrrrrr.... So frustrated.... Ex doesnt want Mr wonderful to see the kids ( long story) n so now mr wonderful is pissed because he loves them. He'd adopt them if he could. So now I have to figure out how to cheer up Mr wonderful. So close to getting to see him but the thought of not getting to see my kids, of me having to leave them with my parents while I drive the two hours to see is too painful for him. N so close to our anniversary too. so much for celebrating our anniversary together. Dang. Super craptastic. Grrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!

Saturday, 02 January 2010

  • arg

    so many things goig on at once. My parents want to take my kids as their own. CpS was called on me for abuse and neglect. Which I don't understand at all. ZThe ex is a jerk. Trying to keep it good with mr wonderful. Arg.. I think this house is cursed with depression. As a parent im being undermined at every turn. i cant seem to get it right. i just want to scream.